9/11/2001

I woke up early, knowing it was going to be a busy day. I was on day 2 of constructing a brand new Sam Goody store at the Military Circle Mall in Norfolk, Virginia. I had to be there at 6:00 am to let in the other 8 managers from other stores and also my boss who was there to help. I got up, tried to wake Matt up so I could wish him a happy birthday before leaving for work. He had several corporate visitors from his work coming today, so we knew with me working late to get the new store together, and his corporate visitors in town, it would be late before we could celebrate his birthday. I kissed him goodbye, wished him a happy birthday, and left for work.  

There was so much work to do at the store, and everyone got to work right away. Besides the other managers and my boss, there were new employees there helping to get stuff organized. We had CD, DVD, and movie racks to assemble, about 500+ boxes of music and movies to organize, alphabetize, and put away, along with construction still being done in the store. Since it was a brand new store, the outside of the store was blocked off, so it felt like we were cut off from the world. We couldn't see out to the mall, and we didn't even have the phone line for the store set up yet. 

We were all busy working, and the construction foreman kept getting calls from his mom on his cell phone. Since we had so much to do, he kept ignoring the call. After the 4th call I remember him apologizing to Ed (my boss) and I, and he took the call. We could hear crying in the background, and his face went completely white. His mom lived in Pennsylvania, and she was outside weeding her garden when a huge plane flew over her and crashed in the distance. She saw the last plane crash and had no idea what was going on.

Thinking it was just a crazy freak accident, he left to calm her down on the phone, and we got back to work.

Then a security guard came to our back entrance and told us we had to leave, they were shutting down the mall. My boss, being stubborn and knowing he only had a few days to help get the store open, told him we would leave. Once the security guard left, Ed turned to us and told us to keep working. We had too much to get done and couldn't leave. A manager who was there to help decided we needed music, and went to his car to grab his radio. He turned on the radio and instead of finding music, we  heard horrific tales of planes crashing into buildings, people dying, and the nation in terror. It was the first time I remember being really scared.

Security came again, and told us we needed to get out NOW. Virginia has 5 major military bases, and we were in the heart of them all. Everything closed down that day. As I drove home I saw grocery stores closed, gas stations closed, and there was not a car on the freeway. It took me about 30 minutes to get to my apartment in Virginia Beach, and when I got home I turned on the television and watched everything being re-played on the television. It was horrible.

I called Matt right when I got home on his cell phone. (Can't believe I didn't have one!) He was stuck in Hampton, Virginia and didn't know when he was going to get home. The Hampton tunnel was closed (it is a tunnel about 2 miles long that goes under the ocean and is the fastest way to get from Hampton to Virginia Beach). He had his corporate visitors with him, and didn't know when he would be getting home. Other roads and tunnels were closed due to being so close to military bases, and Washington D.C. I spent the rest of my day talking to family, assuring them we were fine, and waiting for my husband to get home.

Finally the tunnel opened later that night, so with the hope Matt would get home soon I started cooking dinner, made him a birthday cake, and waited.

So many people lost their lives, ordinary people became heroes, and that day was my first realization that I made a huge mistake in marrying Matt. Instead of coming home to his wife, on his birthday, he decided to stay out and play with his corporate friends. I gave up waiting up for him at about 11 pm, and since I got the ok to start working on the store again the next day, I took some sleeping pills and fell asleep.

Sometimes you just gotta grin and bear it.....

I am so glad it is September! I am ready for 2011 to be over with already. This year has really sucked, and in an effort to get through the next couple of months, I am focusing on the happy moments of 2011. I have been blessed in so many different ways.... and I really have a lot to be grateful for. So even though I still have no idea what is going on with a lot of different things, I feel like life is going to settle down soon.

As you may know, I am a blond in so many ways. My good friend Anna (the one who whips me into shape) gives my kids swim lessons at our condo swimming pool. Well, Nathan was all dressed up in rain boots, swim trunks, and a vest. I couldn't resist taking his picture! The first picture is take two. I didn't realize how bad the first picture was until I looked at it....

Below is picture #1. Nathan couldn't understand why I was laughing as I reviewed the picture and told him I had to re-take it. I am such a nerd. But my cute friend Anna is in the background. She rocks :)

Anna has been a huge blessing to me. I have known her for around four years, and now we are totally bff's. We work out every day, she whips me into shape, but she has also helped me stay focused on what is important. One day we were talking (after a crazy sprint training outside) about trials of life and so on. After a heartfelt chat about how I need to start going to church again, she promised to send me a scripture every night to read, and she HAS KEPT HER PROMISE! Even though I am still struggling a bit, Anna has been a huge blessing to me in so many different ways. I am so thankful she knew exactly what kind of friend I needed...I love you Anna!

I love these crazy kids

The picture above is Tori with my friend Katie. Katie and her husband Eldin have been in the ward as long as I have (8 Years!). I was in YW and Eldin was YM President, so I have known him for a long time, but never really knew Katie. Last year when I called as YW President, I had a feeling I needed Katie in the presidency. BEST DECISION EVER! Katie was so helpful so many times in YW, and I really appreciated her help. This year, I have come to know her a lot more as a friend. She asked me to join her in a Flash Mob, and it has been so much fun! Her husband Eldin was recently called to be the bishop, and that shows how truly awesome she is. Thank you Katie, for getting me involved in something that brought me happiness when I really needed it! Love you Katie :)

Isn't Rob Thomas HOT? That's all I have to say about him.

I love my SISTA WIVEZ! Being in a fake karaoke band is the best thing ever. We have so much fun together, and I definitely needed some happy distractions.

I love that Share and I can sing songs from Glee until our voices die, I can't believe she took me to a Def Leppard concert for my birthday (it was so awesome!!) and I can't believe she is still my BFF after I rant and rave and cry and scream and curse. Love you Share :)

I am thankful for Shanna, who always has an ear to listen to me whine. If you know Shanna, you know she lights up a room with her smile, and her personality. We have had so much fun doing water aerobics on Tuesdays and I love that we can sing for hours in my car late at night. Love you Shanna!

I am thankful for my family. I love that June is so sweet, and is always offering her house for us in case we need it. I love that Misty always knows the right thing to say to me when I am upset. I love that Eve shows up with the kids favorite treats because she knows I can't buy them. I don't love that my sis Debbie lives so far away... but I love that she went through horrible things as a child... along with our brother Alan... and she is an amazing mom and person. I love that Alan can make me laugh until I cry, and I love that he is starting to open his heart to us more and more. I love my mom for being crazy, and not boring. She brings so much laughter to our lives....and doesn't mind too much when we mock her. Love you family :)

The other day I found a mother's day card my friend Sonne gave me. I read it, cried, read it again, and cried some more. I am thankful for a thoughtful friend who somehow knew I needed kind words. Love you Sonne :)

And I love that my ex-husband is a great dad. We have been divorced for 7 years, and he has never missed a child support payment, and he takes the kids 2 nights a week because he wants to. I love that he is my EX. ha ha.

the end

Learning lessons in life

Since not having a job, and being stressed about life, I became pretty angry over so many different things.

1. I am mad that Heavenly Father made men stupid, so they wouldn't ever want to get married. Then as women we are taught to be mothers and wives but then when we get to the marrying age it's like we get laughed and at he says, "ha ha, never mind! There aren't any worthy men to marry you and now you have to be alone for your mortal life."

2. I am angry that I was given the hormones of a man, then married a man with no hormones, then got divorced and that man decided he may actually like me, but only as a side fling.

3. I am angry that I have been living life the way I should, was finally going to be able to pay off a bunch of bills and be a little stressed about life, and I was fired (over something so weird!) causing me to be worse off then I was before.

4. I am angry that anxiety never ends. I had anxiety over taking care of my family, wondering when I will be kicked out of my house, wondering if I will never find a decent job. I finally get that job, Nathan gets sick, and the anxiety comes back that I will be up with my child all night and still have to work an entire day without passing out. I have anxiety that I will miss all these precious moments with my children that I have enjoyed for the past five months.

5. I HATE that my babysitter (even though I love her) will now spend more waking hours with my children than I will.

When I felt like I couldn't handle life anymore I asked a friend for a Priesthood blessing. In the blessing I did not get confirmation that everything would be OK. Instead I was told to think about what I needed to learn from this experience. In thinking about it over the past few months, this is what I have decided. Up in heaven, our Heavenly Father told us EXACTLY what to expect when we came down. He told us we would have trials, misery, frustration, depression, financial stress, heartbreak, even suicidal thoughts, and he did not make it sound easy. In fact, I am pretty sure he made it sound much, much, worse. And guess what? I decided to come down to earth anyway, knowing all this would happen. I am even pretty sure I probably was happy to be born in this time, in this situation, to the problems I would face. I have experienced childbirth, the joys of being a mom, and even for a while the joys of being happily married.

These next few years I feel are going to be the hardest for me. I need to pay off student loans, figure out what to do about my house, and fix my mental and physical health while raising two children who also need a lot from me. The one thing I know for sure is Heavenly Father is on my side, and I know I cannot do this without his help. He is the one person I REALLY need by my side right now. I am scared to start a new job, I am scared to face the future. I am frightened to think of what will happen in the next few years, but the last five months have been so awful I feel like I can face anything now.

Fun, relaxing, positive weekend.

Share needed to get to Pocatello and I decided to take a trip with her and the kids to get away for a little hotel swim vacation. We stayed at the Ameritel Inn in Pocatello, and they have the best pool/hot tub! We swam Friday, 3 times Saturday, and again Sunday morning. It was so relaxing, fun, and nice to get away. While we were in Pocatello, I decided to call my dad and see him in Roberts. I hadn't seen or talked to him in almost six years, and honestly it was a great break. I wanted my kids to meet him and figured might as well do it now.

I love that my kids love to swim!

On the Menan Buttes in Menan, Idaho. Nathan thought it would be cool to climb up an inactive volcano. Uncle Alan, Nathan, Tori and Grandmpa Frislie.

Nathan and grandpa

Dad really wanted to take my picture with Nathan. The property we lived on in Menan, Idaho. This rock was so fun to play on! It had Indian carvings and all kinds of trails. The people who live there now blew up the rock and there is about 1/4 of it left.

My dad gave me some of his homemade chocolate. It has molasses, honey, cocoa, and raspberry in it. He was nice enough to scrape the inch of mold off the top before he put it in cups for me.

Nathan trying to chop wood like grandpa.

Having fun at grandpa's in Roberts. On the ride home....two very tired little kids.

The trip was a huge success, and it was nice seeing my dad again. In fact, he called me to tell me thanks for coming to see him. There wasn't too much weirdness....he gave me sulfur water, and mud (he claims it will take all the ugly brown spots off my face) he spoke of a few conspiracies and things but thanks to the kids I was able to get distracted often. I decided I want my kids to know their grandpa, and we can visit him every few months without too much craziness. It was a good, positive experience with my dad.

My little sass

Tori has a problem with getting urinary tract infections often. She would get one about every three months, then she went for almost a year without any problems. Now it is back, and her Dr. decided to proceed with a VCUG and an ultrasound to check for other problems. Well, her right kidney is a lot smaller than the left and it has a lot of scar tissue. Not sure where the scar tissue is from, but Tori did a great job of staying still and not complaining too much. She cried a little they did the bladder fill test, but overall she was such a trooper. Now we wait for our Dr. to call and see what we should do about her damaged kidney. She will definitely be on medicine every day for a year or two, but the damaged kidney is another problem I wasn't expecting. I wasn't really worried until Matt called me and told me he was freaking out. I am glad he is a great dad but of course since he is worried, now I am. It will take a few days for Dr. Havlik to get the results and determine what action is best, but the good thing is I LOVE Dr. Havlik and completely trust his opinion.
I am glad, again, for not having to work so I can do all this Dr. stuff without worrying about getting work off.

sunshine and daisies

There are a few things that give me instant happiness, besides my kids.

1. Mountain Dew 2. sunshine 3. daisies

Today the sun was shining through a few clouds, and it was a beautiful sight. I am also really excited to plant daisies and more lilies in my backyard.

Mmmm...spinach

After several experiments I have finally mastered my spinach smoothie. I use 1-2 c spinach, and 1 c orange juice and blend until it's green and looks gross. Then I add the Greek yogurt, fruit, and additional water if it needs more liquid. Greek yogurt is very good for you, but the regular non-flavored kind tastes like ricotta cheese. In a smoothie, it is so gross so the orange juice helps it taste much much better. I can't live without these anymore (or at least I don't want to right now). I highly recommend them!